The GF thing is going pretty well. She’s a gem. Even helped me take care of my demented Mom.

Dementia, on the other hand, SUCKS. I mean it’s bad. I have been care taking my Mom 24/7 since the fall. Oh. My. God. Please do not make me go through this. Someone just shoot me. The anxiety, the paranoia, the stubbornness, since 9/10 of the time she has no clue where she is or who anyone is. I mean, she can’t remember anything, so maybe it’s not so bad for her, but it’s a pretty piss-poor quality of life. When she’s in a bad mood (read: constipated), she rants that she wants to die. Frankly, that would make everyone’s life easier, and when I was a kid she always said she would rather die than be helpless (and actively planned to off herself when the time came), but it takes a lot of effort to die before your time, and not being able to remember anything for 5 minutes does put a damper on one’s ability to carry out plans. Oh, wait, she can remember her delusions just fine, and will insist upon them for months. But I digress…

 

Maybe if I were a better daughter and sacrificed my entire life to find fun things for her it would be better, but I have a job (thank god I don’t have to show up very often), a business, and am taking a couple of online classes. My plate was overfull before she came along. I cut back in the spring, so now I’m broke AND overstressed. Plus we are out in the sticks at my house, and there not very much to do there, no matter how good of a daughter I am. So I play a lot of music on the stereo. She likes music.

My brother came for a week so I could have a vacation. I went to NYC and attended a couple of workshops. I need a few more breaks this summer. I can then maybe manage the fall. But that’s it. So that’s my story.  Not sure how to move this forward. She would despise any kind of nursing home. It’s a dilemma. For me, it’s about overcoming resistance and doing art anyway, despite not have a single moment to myself to think or do anything. In that way, I am losing this battle. My brain goes on strike, being in the room with her ALL DAY (and she wants me to sleep with her at night, too). So I don’t know how this will pan out, but I have my work cut out for me, that’s for sure.

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