Losing it…

This last weekend really took a lot out of me. I lost Sunday. I lost Monday, taking everyone to various docs (mom to doc as planned. AFTER we get home from there, where he could have easily asked someone to see him, he asks me to take him to ER. ANOTHER 3 hours lost).

I managed to get what I needed done for Tuesday, bare minimum, but done. Last night I sat on the couch after I got home while mom babbled. Now tomorrow most of the rest needs to be done.

I have one day. My brother did not go to bed until 6AM. I know, because I got up at 5. How the fuck does a guy who was so sick I had to take him to the ER get better by staying up all night? How does he take any kind of care of mom, which is his job here, when he has no sleep? I can’t do what I have to in the time I have. I can’t do it even more with her talking to me incessantly. It is not possible.

I get up in the morning and there is piss in the toilet, which is now always crusted and filthy from man-pee who doesn’t flush. I am not a housekeeper. My toilet never looked like this before. Lady pee just doesn’t have the same effect.

I just can’t fucking take this. I have to. But I can’t.

My brother has to go. But I can’t do this alone. The gal is coming from the program we applied to. If these people don’t help me, I don’t know what I am going to do.

I so want to honor her wish to stay with her family.

I need a way of managing this that keeps me balanced and sane. This constant state of stress is killing me. I have things I could do that would help (like dance), but I don’t do them. The level of inertia is staggering. I feel complicit in my own suffering. It’s a horrible feedback loop. I need help, god. I do. Please help me. Soon.

The semester ends on Friday.  This episode will be over, for better or worse. But there’s just going to be another one after that.

The chaos is never going to stop. It’s inside me.

I have to stop.




Like all the other posts are not venting.

Today all three of us have infected teeth. How do 3 people have infected teeth all at the same time? My brother’s been so sick for two days that I couldn’t go to work today. He went upstairs to lie down and passed out on the landing (thankfully didn’t fall down the stairs).

Unfortunately, I have to grade 43 portfolios before Tuesday. Today is Sunday. They take not less than 15 – 30 min each. Math not your strong suit? That’s 11-20 hours of hardcore focus. I have none. Plus I need a lot of space to do this (at work I take up two full size desks), and there is no suitable space at home.

So I am now sitting next to my mom, who is babbling constantly, even though I have put on music she likes. I will have to put on an old movie to hold her attention.

So that’s my day.

It will be over soon enough. But it sucks today.

Thanks for reading. I hope your day is a little better.

A fresh perspective?

Well, that’s kind of a lie. I don’t have a fresh perspective, unless you count fresh as saucy, rude, etc. I am so fucking tired all the time, and so angry. I have to take a lot of medicine to stay sane and not scream at everyone. What meds? Not lithium or anything like that. I take a mix of 1 part each milk thistle, astragalus and dandelion.I am to replace the dandelion with celandine, but I have been too lazy to order it. Anger for the most part is a symptom of imbalance. Stress is hard on the liver. Though sometimes it is a valuable survival mechanism. The trick is telling the difference.

Anyway, I’ve been getting up super early to have time to myself, so I can write and whatnot, which is great. Today I got up at 5:45 though, which is now pretty common for me, and my brother was still up. I didn’t say anything except “goodness, you are up late,” but I was thinking a lot of black thoughts. He often goes to bed at 4am (I hear him), so this was late even for him. But that didn’t stop me from wanting to scream at him. Plus he was on his laptop on the couch. First he took over my nice fancy computer chair. I worked at the kitchen table. Then he took over the table-without relinquishing the chair, as it is still surrounded by his shit. So now the only place I had to work was the couch. Now he’s working on the fucking couch. Everything bothers me. I am so prickly.

I hate myself when I am a bitch, too. It is so unattractive. I hate everyone. My bro is a cranky pain, and when i m just as bad if not worse, I can’t hate him with a clear conscience. Plus it’s just a bad, thoughtless habit, to expose others to my craptastic mood. But there I am, muttering unkind imprecations, not even under my breath 24/7. It’s just wrong. Plus I’ve been talking to myself–out loud. Bad sign. So something has to change.

Hence the medicine.

It helps a lot.

My astrologer told me I’m entering ANOTHER EFFING SATURN RETURN (she’s ayurvedic, so the system is different). Fuck me, right? She told me to take out the trash. I had just told a friend my biggest problem was that I don’t take out the trash–literally or figuratively. I’m drowning in garbage. I know that’s my problem on the inside as well as the outside. I just don’t know how to do that. I never have.

I’ll let you know how it goes.



PS, I am not totally crazy, and often quite pleasant. Really.