Well, that’s kind of a lie. I don’t have a fresh perspective, unless you count fresh as saucy, rude, etc. I am so fucking tired all the time, and so angry. I have to take a lot of medicine to stay sane and not scream at everyone. What meds? Not lithium or anything like that. I take a mix of 1 part each milk thistle, astragalus and dandelion.I am to replace the dandelion with celandine, but I have been too lazy to order it. Anger for the most part is a symptom of imbalance. Stress is hard on the liver. Though sometimes it is a valuable survival mechanism. The trick is telling the difference.
Anyway, I’ve been getting up super early to have time to myself, so I can write and whatnot, which is great. Today I got up at 5:45 though, which is now pretty common for me, and my brother was still up. I didn’t say anything except “goodness, you are up late,” but I was thinking a lot of black thoughts. He often goes to bed at 4am (I hear him), so this was late even for him. But that didn’t stop me from wanting to scream at him. Plus he was on his laptop on the couch. First he took over my nice fancy computer chair. I worked at the kitchen table. Then he took over the table-without relinquishing the chair, as it is still surrounded by his shit. So now the only place I had to work was the couch. Now he’s working on the fucking couch. Everything bothers me. I am so prickly.
I hate myself when I am a bitch, too. It is so unattractive. I hate everyone. My bro is a cranky pain, and when i m just as bad if not worse, I can’t hate him with a clear conscience. Plus it’s just a bad, thoughtless habit, to expose others to my craptastic mood. But there I am, muttering unkind imprecations, not even under my breath 24/7. It’s just wrong. Plus I’ve been talking to myself–out loud. Bad sign. So something has to change.
Hence the medicine.
It helps a lot.
My astrologer told me I’m entering ANOTHER EFFING SATURN RETURN (she’s ayurvedic, so the system is different). Fuck me, right? She told me to take out the trash. I had just told a friend my biggest problem was that I don’t take out the trash–literally or figuratively. I’m drowning in garbage. I know that’s my problem on the inside as well as the outside. I just don’t know how to do that. I never have.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
PS, I am not totally crazy, and often quite pleasant. Really.