Losing it…

This last weekend really took a lot out of me. I lost Sunday. I lost Monday, taking everyone to various docs (mom to doc as planned. AFTER we get home from there, where he could have easily asked someone to see him, he asks me to take him to ER. ANOTHER 3 hours lost).

I managed to get what I needed done for Tuesday, bare minimum, but done. Last night I sat on the couch after I got home while mom babbled. Now tomorrow most of the rest needs to be done.

I have one day. My brother did not go to bed until 6AM. I know, because I got up at 5. How the fuck does a guy who was so sick I had to take him to the ER get better by staying up all night? How does he take any kind of care of mom, which is his job here, when he has no sleep? I can’t do what I have to in the time I have. I can’t do it even more with her talking to me incessantly. It is not possible.

I get up in the morning and there is piss in the toilet, which is now always crusted and filthy from man-pee who doesn’t flush. I am not a housekeeper. My toilet never looked like this before. Lady pee just doesn’t have the same effect.

I just can’t fucking take this. I have to. But I can’t.

My brother has to go. But I can’t do this alone. The gal is coming from the program we applied to. If these people don’t help me, I don’t know what I am going to do.

I so want to honor her wish to stay with her family.

I need a way of managing this that keeps me balanced and sane. This constant state of stress is killing me. I have things I could do that would help (like dance), but I don’t do them. The level of inertia is staggering. I feel complicit in my own suffering. It’s a horrible feedback loop. I need help, god. I do. Please help me. Soon.

The semester ends on Friday.  This episode will be over, for better or worse. But there’s just going to be another one after that.

The chaos is never going to stop. It’s inside me.

I have to stop.



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