So damn tired

Maybe it’s the dehydration. I pee next to nothing in the morning, a cup or less, but who’s measuring? My brain isn’t working right, I feel bloated, stupid, foggy, slow. My body hurts. My head hurts.

My temper is moderate. I take medicine when I remember, when I get angry, when I go through my day muttering swears and cursing everyone around me. When I remember. The swears and sotto voce name-calling are so normal now I am afraid I will say them aloud. It scares me. Who am I?

A friend going through a crazy period took refuge with his sister and her husband for a while. He turned the husband into the enemy. Nicest guy you can imagine, the enemy. Agitated incessantly, tried to turn his sister against him. Soon, of course, this had an effect. Nicest guy in the world got pisssed and started acting not so nice. What a surprise. Friend said, At least now I know who he is under his skin.

Do you? Is what someone will do pushed to extremes who they really are, under their skin?

Another friend was in a show. Another actor baited him constantly in rehearsals, calling him names.Pussy, Litte Man, Loser. Director did nothing. Directed him to stop her. Guy finally shoved her off the bar (it was a prop–show was set in a bar). She wasn’t hurt, but screamed bloody murder about abuse, called the guy’s gf and tried to enlist her. But is that really him, under his skin? He is kind, gentle, thoughtful. Driven to extremes.

She, on the other hand, that is what she is really like.

But is this is really me? This bitchy, fat, space case? Okay, I am a space case, and a slob. I can’t seem to keep things organized. But the rage, that’s a symptom. And stress will deplete your system so bad, the liver takes a hit and out comes the anger. When I am healthy, I am not like this. Maybe the other stuff is all symptoms too. So how do I get healthy? I can’t take this. I need a vacation.

The summer retreat was great–I didn’t hate anyone for a good two months after.  But that’s all worn away now. I feel fragile and teary.

It’s all got to stop. I have things to do.


League up

I went to a party the other day. Drive 350 miles to do it, too. Was worth it. I have forgotten what it’s like to be in a room full of bright, fun, creative people.

It’s time for a change. I want to feel more relaxed and effortless. I know it has more to do with me inside than the world outside. It’s a mindset shift for a start. Then it’s going to have to catch fire on its own because I am pretty fucking tuckered out.