A fresh perspective?

Well, that’s kind of a lie. I don’t have a fresh perspective, unless you count fresh as saucy, rude, etc. I am so fucking tired all the time, and so angry. I have to take a lot of medicine to stay sane and not scream at everyone. What meds? Not lithium or anything like that. I take a mix of 1 part each milk thistle, astragalus and dandelion.I am to replace the dandelion with celandine, but I have been too lazy to order it. Anger for the most part is a symptom of imbalance. Stress is hard on the liver. Though sometimes it is a valuable survival mechanism. The trick is telling the difference.

Anyway, I’ve been getting up super early to have time to myself, so I can write and whatnot, which is great. Today I got up at 5:45 though, which is now pretty common for me, and my brother was still up. I didn’t say anything except “goodness, you are up late,” but I was thinking a lot of black thoughts. He often goes to bed at 4am (I hear him), so this was late even for him. But that didn’t stop me from wanting to scream at him. Plus he was on his laptop on the couch. First he took over my nice fancy computer chair. I worked at the kitchen table. Then he took over the table-without relinquishing the chair, as it is still surrounded by his shit. So now the only place I had to work was the couch. Now he’s working on the fucking couch. Everything bothers me. I am so prickly.

I hate myself when I am a bitch, too. It is so unattractive. I hate everyone. My bro is a cranky pain, and when i m just as bad if not worse, I can’t hate him with a clear conscience. Plus it’s just a bad, thoughtless habit, to expose others to my craptastic mood. But there I am, muttering unkind imprecations, not even under my breath 24/7. It’s just wrong. Plus I’ve been talking to myself–out loud. Bad sign. So something has to change.

Hence the medicine.

It helps a lot.

My astrologer told me I’m entering ANOTHER EFFING SATURN RETURN (she’s ayurvedic, so the system is different). Fuck me, right? She told me to take out the trash. I had just told a friend my biggest problem was that I don’t take out the trash–literally or figuratively. I’m drowning in garbage. I know that’s my problem on the inside as well as the outside. I just don’t know how to do that. I never have.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

 

PS, I am not totally crazy, and often quite pleasant. Really.

 

Demented

So here is the promised update, which, yes, took a long damn time. Why? Because I do have another life, but more importantly, SHE NEVER STOPS TALKING. She never used to be a motor mouth, but in the last maybe year? She just never shuts up. She murmurs, so you have to listen–and you have to listen, bc she gets huffy if you don’t respond.

Worse, almost all of it is made up stuff, total delusions, which are far more real to her than every day life, and which unfortunately tend to skew towards being held captive, the people all around us (there is no one here), who are going to steal her stuff and even her seat on the sofa if she leaves it untended long enough to go pee.

I can’t fucking think with constant babbling. She is worse than a television and it is so toxic and dark much of the time it boggles the mind. When we go for a drive, which we try to do every day, she is either explaining to me how every house e pass she used to stay at at or lived at or owned, and she has a house around here someplace that she loaned to a nice family who needed a place to stay and maybe they will give us something to eat if we show up. The rest of the time, any time we pass a wooded hillside (and they are everywhere), she explain how she had to escape off the mountain after she got dumped there and was held prisoner and had to crawl on her elbows to get out of there…

PLEASE. There was no mountain! There was no escape! I am am familiar with her life story. So this is all some kind of traumatic imagery but I am at a freaking loss to deal with it.

Then there is my germaphobic OCD completely crazy brother who is living with us to help out. God bless him, because we would both be dead without him. But omg, he is a bad-tempered pain in the ass who is afraid to be left alone at my house (though apparently any other place on earth is fine), so I can’t even take her out of the house by ourselves, he has to come along to anything we do or get left alone with her. And he is channeling our dad, who was a shit parent, and it’s not a pretty picture.

He is obsessed with the idea that she doesn’t wash her hands after using the toilet so she is spreading e-coli all over the house. It’s true she doesn’t wash her hands (she used to put expensive cream on her hands and didn’t want to wash it off, and the habit stuck), but she is so personally fastidious that she cannot bear to have anything on her hands, or face, or anything–it all must be wiped fully and carefully away. Aside from that, her health is great, so it’s just not that big of deal. No one is immunocompromised. It’s all a lot of bullshit.

But he now has this obnoxious, elaborate ritual of reminding her not to flush so he can go see if she pooped (since she’s forgotten by the time she gets out of the bathroom), and then he takes her into the kitchen where he badgers her to wash up and snaps at her when she pushes up her sleeves, since in his eyes her sleeve is now a festering hotbed of e-coli. He could give her a hand wipe for chrissakes. But no.

He won’t touch anything she may have touched, using one finger to grab anything. It is so insulting and demeaning it makes me want to spray him with a fire hose. He’s basically Asberger’s so he has no idea unless I tell him that anything he’s doing is driving me insane.

Plus he likes to cook. But he likes to cook basically slop, which takes him ages to elaborately make things that were once good into overcooked slop. And he doesn’t want me to cook–he prefers to be in control of everything. And he likes to have dinner at 9 or 10 pm by which time she should be in bed, blah blah blah, whine bitch complain.

But he is here and I can go away and do things, which otherwise I could not do. A devil’s bargain. It is better than when he wasn’t here, and that is a fact. But I spend most of my days in a state of rage, trying to be nice to be these people. And that is not good.

AND my massage therapist, my ace in the hole, to whom I was going to bring mom to remove some of this leftover trauma shit, DIED. Out of the blue. Like, REALLY out of the blue. So now I have no backup at all, and she made the medicine that keeps me sane and not shoving the old bat down a flight of stairs (and keeps me from having another gall bladder attack). And I am out of medicine.

Pray for me, my friends. This is some kind of turning point in my life.

Saturn is retrograde, so I am thrown back into my second Saturn Return. I am still not sure what the hell I am supposed to learn out of all this (don’t have a mother?). I think it is about self-care, since I have basically NONE, and feeling sorry for myself leads me to eat things that are bad for me. I gained 20 lbs early in this ordeal, and they haven’t gone anywhere. All the trauma work I did previously is helping me stay sane and self compassionate, but I can’t get much of anything done.

I’m writing a book, but have been stalled again for weeks. I feel bad leaving her alone with my brother (and leaving him alone with her), but I can’t get any work done here.

For my own sanity, I have to detach from all this. She usually knows who I am but often thinks I am part of the staff here (staff? What staff? It is a house with 3 ppl in it). However the less she knows me the farther away I can drift. I don’t mind her living here, I mind feeling trapped by it. I mind having to be on call al the time. I mind her getting up at 6AM. That is MY time.

And yes, i do love her–we were so close for so long. It’s heartbreaking to see this happen. It’s terrifying to think about what’s going to happen to me. I do hug her a lot and love her a lot. But it would take 24/7 hugging and I don’t have that in me.

What do I want? I want my mom to be and feel safe and happy, warmed by love. I want to feel footloose and fancy free, grounded by my home but able to move easily in the world. I want to get my work done and feel good about my accomplishments. I want my concentration, my focus, to bring my gifts to the world and help others find and treasure theirs. I want to dance and enjoy life, visit with my friends, and meet cool new folks who become part of my circle of joy.

The GF is still hanging in there, and thank god for her. The BF is still hanging in, though I rarely hear from him. He is planning to move here after he retires. That’ll be interesting. I’ll keep you posted…

Thanks for reading. I appreciate your time and thoughtfulness.

May we be free from suffering. May all beings be free from suffering.

The GF thing is going pretty well. She’s a gem. Even helped me take care of my demented Mom.

Dementia, on the other hand, SUCKS. I mean it’s bad. I have been care taking my Mom 24/7 since the fall. Oh. My. God. Please do not make me go through this. Someone just shoot me. The anxiety, the paranoia, the stubbornness, since 9/10 of the time she has no clue where she is or who anyone is. I mean, she can’t remember anything, so maybe it’s not so bad for her, but it’s a pretty piss-poor quality of life. When she’s in a bad mood (read: constipated), she rants that she wants to die. Frankly, that would make everyone’s life easier, and when I was a kid she always said she would rather die than be helpless (and actively planned to off herself when the time came), but it takes a lot of effort to die before your time, and not being able to remember anything for 5 minutes does put a damper on one’s ability to carry out plans. Oh, wait, she can remember her delusions just fine, and will insist upon them for months. But I digress…

 

Maybe if I were a better daughter and sacrificed my entire life to find fun things for her it would be better, but I have a job (thank god I don’t have to show up very often), a business, and am taking a couple of online classes. My plate was overfull before she came along. I cut back in the spring, so now I’m broke AND overstressed. Plus we are out in the sticks at my house, and there not very much to do there, no matter how good of a daughter I am. So I play a lot of music on the stereo. She likes music.

My brother came for a week so I could have a vacation. I went to NYC and attended a couple of workshops. I need a few more breaks this summer. I can then maybe manage the fall. But that’s it. So that’s my story.  Not sure how to move this forward. She would despise any kind of nursing home. It’s a dilemma. For me, it’s about overcoming resistance and doing art anyway, despite not have a single moment to myself to think or do anything. In that way, I am losing this battle. My brain goes on strike, being in the room with her ALL DAY (and she wants me to sleep with her at night, too). So I don’t know how this will pan out, but I have my work cut out for me, that’s for sure.