So, if you have been hanging on for the last however many months waiting to hear what happened next, I had a convo w my BF, re-established that what we did apart from each other was up to us, and got a girlfriend. Because, it must be said, that getting another man just spelled TROUBLE, in big bold letters.
I really do believe that men can smell each other on you, even if it has been a month and several showers later; that he was more concerned that someone else would have a bigger, harder dick and he just didn’t want to hear about it; that, too often, men want to own you (or you want them to); and that, when it comes right down to the motherfucking wire, that he would think me having a GF was hot, but me having another guy would be NOT. Some thing are too easily broken and impossible to fix.
And sure, you can argue all you want that I gotta do what I need to be me, but in this case, that’s what I hadda do. And things might, of course, change; and I am down with that. For now, this works. Pretty well. For everyone. So I am now officially a Hot Bi Babe. If you don’t like it, get the fuck over it–it’s PRIDE WEEK!
My new GF is a stone lesbian, and a stellar human being. She has gallantly dealt with being a part-time (sometimes very part-time) GF, with honor and honesty. Refreshing. And she likes buying me dinner. And the sex is fantastic. Woo-hoo!
On the plus side, I had recognized before I met her that I am indeed bisexual and polyamorous by nature.
On the minus side, I have not introduced her to anyone as my GF, and have told only a few ppl. I also asked her to keep it on the DL.
Now, there are several reasons for this. One is that I have a horror of being the object of gossip.
Two is that my BF said he didn’t want to know, and I want to honor his request. I have noticed ppl seem to have a driving need to tell others anything that might possibly hurt their feelings because they “deserve to know.” Excuse me? (It is true I did tell one friend that her man was wandering. I agonized over this for quite a while before doing it. I finally decided she would want to know. She did. He was furious with me for not telling him first. He was right to be).
Three is, I don’t want to have the conversation, OK? I doubt that anyone will disown me for going both ways, and the majority of my friends really will not give a fuck. I also assume that little by little it will creep into their consciousness, and I will not have to discuss it–it will suddenly just be something they have always known. But if anyone is homophobic enough to think I might be now hitting on them, or staring at their tits, or whatever (and I am often in rooms full of naked women), I just don’t want to deal with it.
Four is, my orientation is my business. It’s a need-to-know basis. I don’t see that many ppl I want to fuck. Some of them are women. If I am interested in you, then you might need to know. Otherwise, you don’t. When asked, say on a survey, I put bisexual. There is never a box for monogamous / polyamorous, however. Tsk tsk.
So those are my excuses, um, reasons, for not being a big hero with the coming out. I apologized to her, and she just waved her hand and said she did not need to make her personal life a political statement. Someone asked her when they could meet me. She said, “She doesn’t meet people. She comes over; we stay home and have sex.” She says she is grateful we get to have uncomplicated sex, since she usually dates straight girls and there is often a lot of conflict.
Which brings me to feminism (warning: soapbox ahead).
I went to the feminist GA last night in NYC. While I do know that many ppl are leery of the term feminist, b/c it brings to mind images of Andrea Dworkin insisting that any sex act not initiated by a woman is rape (does that mean one woman can not rape another?), I was surprised (and not a little annoyed) to hear that some so-called activists find the term Sisterhood unacceptable and exclusive. Also, The War on Women. And even the word feminist. AND that some people still think staying home and raising your own children is UNfeminist. Occupy motherhood, people! One gal went on for a long time about how it pissed her off when men younger than she (specifically in Occupy) addressed her as Dear. She was not dear to them, she didn’t know them, so where did they come off?!
It saddens me to think that someone who identifies as a big feminist from way back should not understand that language is a container. It wasn’t dear that she objected to, it was the condescending disempowerment with which the word was filled.
One woman said that the word she got the most flack for was patriarchy. See above, re: condescending disempowerment. Fuck patriarchy. Smash patriarchy. Not that matriarchy is any better. See above, snotty, controlling, female-bodied activists. The extent to which we have ALL (male and female) been damaged by this paradigm is inherently hidden from us (you can’t see it until you see it, and there is always another layer to the onion). Feminism means that women are the social, economic, and political equals of men. Not better; not worse. Not more, not less. Raising your own children can be feminist idealism OR patriarchal subjugation; so can getting a job, not having kids, or getting an abortion–particularly if some man insists you do whatever.
I am pretty sick and tired of all of it, matriarchy, patriarchy, and all of those archies. I’m pretty tired of bossy people thinking they have the right to tell me what to do and how to think. More and more I am favoring ANarchy–which, in case you have been misinformed, does not mean No Rules, it means No Rulers.
Though, jeez, some of those anarchists are pretty controlling and annoying too. So I don’t know where we go from here. Ideas?